what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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