You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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