maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
