my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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