just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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