i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
