I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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