I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
