As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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