I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
