before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
So vagazzling was a success
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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