every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
