Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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