Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
