End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
