the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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