He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
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to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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