I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
