When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
