you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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