i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
