I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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