The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im having a threesome with these popsicles
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
We just shotgunned beers for America
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
