i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
