Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I need moral support for this bender
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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