i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
