i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
