Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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