Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
