watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
