It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
