Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
