I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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