"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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