You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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