mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
We smell like vodka and hangover
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
