I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
