dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
