I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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