I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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