i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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