if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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