U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
