Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
