My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
