You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
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I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
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And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
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