where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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