her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
