Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
