I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
