I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
