So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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