i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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