i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
