You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
