Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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